Awfulness-9
Dumb/stupid lines-26
WTF Moments-15
Summary-
I'm lazy so I'll let these guys do it.
Review-
What can I say about this film?hmmmmmmmm.....well lets start with the fact it was mind-blowingly entertaining. Seriously, if for any reason such as, you've seen this way too many times(min. 50 times) and declare it unwatchable, or don't have a pulse, there really shouldn't be a reason not to be entertained by this film.(assuming you'll check your sense of logic and reason at the door. Yeah, you'll definitely need to) It's especially a watchable film for guys obviously due to a ridiculous amount of shooting scenes(10 in all), a good amount of sex/nudity,(3 sex scenes, 4 instances of nudity) over the top violence, tons of catch phrases, action(such as jumping out of airplanes, like I said shooting scenes with menacing violence, and a car chase scene.) So, you’re probably wondering, where’s the catch? Why is this being mentioned as a one star review? Like I said in the beginning, what can I say. This was Wayyyyyy too much ridiculousness to be put in an 80 minute feature. Too many dumb lines(fuck you ya fuckin’ fuckers)(Classic grindhouse-style line), too many Wft moments, too many over-the-top plot lines(any time a film involves something like the world being overtaken or blown up, or a government cover-up, it’s really taking a big risk. This movie has the government cover-up subplot. It doesn’t work at all), really bad role-playing (were the stars told to act terrible for comedy’s sake?) and bad editing sequencing for a film relatively new with top-notch photography. I could go on and on with how bad this really was, but I think I’ve done enough. Remember to fasten your seatbelts and remember to do that thing with your brain…what was it? Oh yeah...
Film Diary-
00:01-Opening scene-Clive Owen's disgruntled stare into the camera while chewing on a carrot. Enticing, dangerous like music plays. I'm getting pumped already. A pregnant , ailing sounding woman comes struggling down the street Clive is sitting on a bench at. Other than turning his head to watch her struggle as she moans like she's near death, he doesn't flinch. He's so cool. Outta nowhere, a car fishtails into a parked car relatively close to Clive. The scumbag driving the car gets out and yells unconvincingly, "Your dead bitch!" When the scumbag gets out of the car, a mountain of trash follows him out of the car. What a messy beast. Anyway, as all this goes on, Clive doesn't move. Whoa, he's really cool. The scumbag is obviously after the bitch he said was dead although he doesn't realize she's not dead yet. (**SPOILER ALERT**:but she will be) The scumbag pulls out a gun and stares at Clive for about 3 solid seconds as if to say"What the F**k you gonna do?" Gotta love it. The scumbag then chases the bitch into a warehouse. Second lame catchphrase of a movie from the scumbag"Now I'm gonna give you your C-section." after the broad misfires on an attempt to shoot him. But then, at the last second, Clive comes from behind him and shoves the same carrot he was eating through the scumbags throat out the back of his neck. IM FREAKIN' POSSIBLE. But this is an action movie dammit! Right? So, right after that, corny close-up of Clive saying lame catchphrase number 3 "Eat your vegetables." Hilarious.
2:16-Alright, first shootout of the film already. During the shootout, Clive shoots an oil tank, making it spill a puddle all over the floor in which unbelievable scene number 2 happens in which Clive slides across the floor, damn near close to wall to wall of the factory on the oil, ON HIS FREAKIN' BACK for about 50 feet or so, all while he shoots a few of the 20 other guys who can't seem to shoot him. Clive then makes another sweet move shooting a row of assholes , who are again , trying to shoot him but can't, because they've obviously never held guns before.
3:00-Clive shoots the camera for the opening title graphic word by word. In the next scene, Clive delivers the pregnant broads' baby while fending off assholes who can't get anywhere close to shooting him, but he's killing them at ease. What a hero.(seriously, HE'S DELIVING A FREAKIN' BABY WHILE SHOOTING GUYS! Is there anything this guy can't do?) enough said. "That ponytail doesn't makes you look hip, young, or cool."Clive says as he blasts some asshole with a ponytail, all while still delivering the baby. Alright, the film's first nudity! Naked new born baby all you 14 year old perves out there. Clive shoots off the umbilical cord. Freakin' sweet. Paul Giamatti's first appearance. He can't shoot Clive or the used to be pregnant broad in plain sight. Come on.
4:50-Giamatti and Clive face off with Clive pointing a gun in Paul's face while Giamatti rambles off some profuse poetry.
5:38-Clive realizes he can't shoot the gun he took from Giamatti. He escapes about 30 shots from Giamatti's droogs in open plain sight, rescuing the woman before realizing she took a bullet to the head. So, Clive's stuck with the baby. Also, you get to see one of the broads tits. Alright!
6:56-Clive being chased by Giamatti's cronies, shoots at them also while shooting the lit-up sign directly behind them. Then, just for the hell of it, Clive shoots out all the letters except for the letters that spell out FUK U. Classy. Then, he blurts out the B-liner "Fuck you ya fuckin' fuckers." Giamatti missing Clive as he's running across the top of buildings, shoots out the L in tool so the sign reads FUK U TOO. Brilliant.
9:50-Clive walking down a city street during the day, notices he's being followed. He walks into a church with the baby into a bathroom to hide from the guy who's following him. Clive hides in the stall then pulls out a carrot to eat, which allows him to drop his gun in the toilet with a piece of dookie in it. Clive then decides to take his gun apart, piece by piece and put it back together while cleaning it, with the follower guy is about 30 seconds of walking distance away. Clive's gun jams while trying to shoot the guy through the door. The guy notices, and comes rushing in. Clive dives and slides under all the stalls in a single slide.WOW. Clive uses a carrot to kill the lights so the guy can't see him. Clive battles with the guy, eventually using the hand dryer to ignite his gun that jammed on him. He shoots the knife out of the guy's hand who was attacking him. This forces the guy to let Clive and the baby get away.
13:15-"You know why a gun is better than a wife?" "You can put a silencer on a gun." HA HA. What a kneeslapper by Giamatti.
14:12-Clive after escaped, leaves the baby on a playground mary-go-round. Giamatti shoots a woman with a sniper rifle who approaches the baby. Clive takes notice and shoots the rail on the mary-go-round, spinning it so Giamatti can't shoot the baby. Clive continues to shoot the rails causing the mary-go-round to spin faster before Giamatti fires off the last round in the gun, then Clive escapes again with the baby causing Giamatti to blurt out"Fuck me sideways."
15:34-Clives' character name is revealed, Mr.Smith. How Distinctive. He enters a church that's actually a front for a whorehouse. He meets a woman(Monica Bellucci) named Donna, who's about to get it on with some douche dressed like a baby who Clive kicks out of the room. He blurts out"I'm lactose intolerant." after Donna says "There's plenty to go around."(about her breast feeding). Clive then reveals he wants Donna to take baby for $5000.00."I'm a British nanny and I'm dangerous." says Clive during the argument in which Donna won't take the baby.
18:30-Another shot of of dead broad, who used to be pregnant tit, in with Giamatti squeezes for his pleasure.
19:32-"I need a little cream for my coffee." says Giamatti now at Donna's Church whorehouse, who's there to get some answers out of her about the baby.
21:24-"What's up Doc?" says Clive who comes out of nowhere to save Donna from Giamatti's gun torture. He's eating a carrot, ya know, like Bugs Bunny. HA."You're a wascally wabbit." says Giamtti like Elmer Fudd. Another HA. They begin a debate, with both of them pointing guns in their faces, about how many bullets are in each of their guns that doesn't make any sense and isn't relevant, so why am I writing this? Clive shoots Giamatti in the chest with the thumbprint gun that can only be fired by Giamatti or his bandits, so how did he do it? He cut off one of Giamattis' goon hands and used it on the device. "Nothing like a good hand job." HA! GENIUS.
23:15-Clive escapes with Donna and the baby and they decide to jack a parked BMW, with Clive talking in a riddle like he does throughout the film.
23:37-Giamatti's not dead. Predictable.
24:48-Clive gets pissed while driving about the "rich assoles" who don't use their turn signals when changing lanes. He claims he hates this as you may notice throughout the film he hates almost everything except **SPOILER ALERT** dogs and Donna. He causes the rich asshole to wreck into another car. No comment, just ridiculous.
27:23-Clive breaks up a blowjob for some gent given to him by Donna. What Clive did the guys fingers, he should've done to his blowstick. That would've been a good scene.
30:27-"A leader that stays in the rear takes it in the rear." says Giamatti while he and his men infiltrate Clive's hideout.
31:36-Clive discovers a big break in the case of who the baby's mother was after seeing the baby cry unless he played only heavy metal music on the TV.**SPOILER ALERT** the baby's mother hung out at a metal club.
32:08-Giamatti talks about a James Cagney love scene where James lets the good guy live. Giamatti stresses to his hoodlums "If that happens in this show , he'll do more than ask for his money back." followed by "lets kill this mother." Classic.
32:42-Alright, so the shoosting begins (for all you Austin Powers dorks out there) anyway Clive shoots and kills some guys in out shot while they all shoot several times at him and miss, ya know , he's the hero dammit. The cool but ridiculous maneuver Clive pulls is sliding across a rolling table to get the pistol located near the end of the table all while the baby is occupying his other hand.(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the baby is always in his left arm in all shooting scenes while he shoots guys with his right. Ain't that sometin'?) In the rest of the scene he pulls some Jackie Chanesque maneuver's to kill some more guys. Nothing real special until....
34:37-Clive steals a machine gun from some asshole he killed and it just so happens the asshole come in through the roof on a rope. Awesome. So, Clive jumps on the rope while sliding down the rope about 4 levels down shooting guys on all levels who seem to have filled the staircases, doing all of this with the baby still in his fucking hands."Do we suck , or is this guy really that good?" says Giamatti. You guys suck Paul. You really do. I mean 300 of your hooligans couldn't get a shot on a guy carrying a baby in his other arm? Clive, Donna, and the baby escape again.
37:00-Clive heads to the metalclub nearest his encounter with the baby's mother. They find the owner who looks like Marilyn Manson.(Is it him? No, I guess it's not) who gets his cockring ripped out by Donna after saying "You don't have the cohones." forcing him to show them the room upstairs to find the men who know the baby's mother shot dead, along with the killer in another room. They find out that the group of guys who were murdered were harvesting bone morrow from the babies being born like the one they have. Upon them finding this, some men start looking for them and one goes into the same room as Clive, and gets a carrot shoved through his eye. At this point, it's not funny to kill people with carrots in this film. It's that ridiculous.
42:48-It's become aware that Donna's baby died in her womb and picked her to take care of the baby while he kills people. Some really convincing irony.
45:23-Alright, a sex scene between Clive and Donna.(There is nudity, so yeah!)
46:37-Ah, dammit. The sex scene is ruined. It's of course by some more shooting in attempt to pathetically kill Clive and the baby. Clive of course kills all 7 guys while continuing to fuck Donna. Wildest. Sex Scene. Ever. I dare anyone to name one more crazier than that.
48:24-Clive creates a 'Hey everybody look over here while I distract you while my friend over there is doing something they're not supposed to and getting away with it' scheme. He tells Donna to hide herself and the baby in a freakin' tank in a museum, while he spanks a woman in public. I'm not kidding. He also punches a security guard in the face.
52:41-"I'm hopin' yer not just a pussy with a gun in yer hand.""Oh no sir no. No I'm not. I'm a tough guy with a pussy in my hand." This quote makes sense how? This is the end of a conversation between and Hammerson (some whogivesashit actor) the business partner Giamatti is working with. Clive, while all this is going on, sets up shop in the factory.
53:25-Alright, another shooting scene.
55:11-After some more jibberish rambling by Giamatti to Clive, Clive does a sweet diving shooting two guys on both sides of him move. After that, it turns out the setting up of shop Clive did involves some Home Alone like tactics to kill all the bad guys. Such as, pulling strings to pull triggers on machine guns, so the bad guys run into the guns aim and they die. Awesome. Clive sticks a half eaten carrot to jam the machine gun's trigger, so it shoots continuously, distracting Giamatti and Hammerson while he shoots some more guys and escapes.
57:40-Clive discovers the scheme that Hammerson is pulling with Giamtti. The senator who's running for president needs the baby! What a movie!
58:49-Oh shit! Clive's in trouble again. Some assholes chase Clive and the baby after he jacks another car. This time he jumps off a bridge, through the car's sunroof. Awesome. He is chased by the assholes in an SUV while he's driving the car. After he battles with this SUV on the road , he lets the baby fallout of the car, so it's now 40 feet behind him on the road. He misses catching the baby after he U-turns to get it. Then he battles with a van, killing about 6 or 7 guys with another cool maneuver, followed by Clive saying "so much for wearing your seatbelts." Giamatti then comes along in a car to run over the baby only to find out it's a mannequin with a tape recorder and the real baby is with what's her face. Oh yeah, can anyone explain how the baby is still alive after all this time? think about it.
1:03:33-Clive meets the senator on a plane which turns ugly when Clive points a gun at him and confronts him about the deal he made with Hammerson. Clive hides himself in the lower compartment with the senator, while there are at least 90 other guys above waiting to shoot him. Clive ties the senator to the trap door, locking it basically, before killing him and escaping through another door, and skydiving out of the plane with a parachute. But wait, there's more! Some of the guys from the plane jump out to get Clive, but of course he kills them all by shooting them out of the sky. Incredible. Oh, and one of the guys gets chopped up in a helicopters' blade, which is also incredible.
1:09:29-Clive, after being shot while skydiving, struggles in a warehouse where he is met by Giamatti pointing a gun at him and then tortures him by breaking his fingers for not telling Giamatti where Donna and the baby are. Clive escapes the torture, of course, kicks the crap out of Giamatti's thugs, setting up a final showdown between Giamatti and Clive. Clive shoots the hell out him by holding loaded bullets in his hand and holding them up to the fireplace so the shoot him. Big Wow. Then, after discovering Giamatti's not quite dead, Clive shoots a bullet through a standing Giamatti's chest, leaving a giant hole, killing him. That was truly really awesome."You know what I really hate is a pussy with a gun in his hand."
117:00:00-Clive takes the green bus to wherever, all banged up. He goes to a cafe in the middle of nowhere to find Donna working there with the baby. Clive and Donna kiss, the end.(actually, not really) Three scumbags walk in and try to rob the place, but Clive kills them all. The End.
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